A conversation with a random drunk at a bar.
“Have you ever been fucking a chick, or a dude for that matter, I don’t know which way you swing so we’ll throw dudes in for good measure…”
This small unassuming stranger drags deeply on his cigarette and signals the bartender for another gin and sprite before continuing.
“My name is Nixon, by the way, just call me Nick.” He reaches out his hand and shakes mine. “So like I was saying, If you’ve ever been fucking a chick or a dude, and they cough while you’re inside them, it feels amazing. The pussy squeezes down real tight and it feels fucking amazing. And if you’ve got your cock in just the right position, so that the pussy muscles really squeeze down on the head of your cock, oh man, it’s like fucking heaven. It’s like fucking the best idea you ever had. It’s like having sex with winning the lottery. I don’t mean having sex while winning the lottery, I mean if the event of winning the lottery had a physical body and you could fuck it, it would feel like that…”
Another deep drag off the cigarette, exhaled deeply with a few smoke rings for the hell of it.
“I would assume a guys ass does the same thing but I wouldn’t know. Don’t go there myself…”He raises a hand and quickly interjects, “Not that there’s anything wrong with that, mind you, I’m just saying.”
“No, no. It’s okay. All’s fair when making assumptions, right? But I’m straight by the way. And no, I’ve never been having sex and my partner coughed while I was inside her,” I say.
“You really ought to try it my man. Fucking amazing,” He says that last part with great emphasis, just to make sure I understand what I’m missing out on. Thank you. Message received. Roger wilco over and out. I breathe in, preparing to ask him a question, he cuts me off before I get the chance.
“The first time I ever fucked a chick and she coughed it was purely by accident. The fucking that is, not the coughing.” He rolls the marlboro back and forth in his right hand fingertips while staring at it.
“I’ve been smoking these for a long while, but one time I decided I was gonna quit them right? So I bought all the gum and the patches and all that shit man. I bought it all and none of that shit worked. Not for me at least. But I really really wanted to quite you know? So I joined one of those smokers support groups. You know where you go around and introduce yourself and all that? Yeah. Well, I joined one of them.” he takes a swig of his gin and sprite.
“And when I go there for the first time there’s this chick there. Not the hottest piece of ass on the planet, but definitely bangable though. And she gets up and says her name is Anna. Now, This chick had been smoking for something like 15-20 years, two packs a day. And when she had been coming to the meetings for a long time, like for a year or more, she got diagnosed with chronic bronchitis. You know what that is man?” he asks me.
“Is it different than regular bronchitis, because I’ve had that a couple of times,” I say.
“Ok, well imagine regular bronchitis but it never goes away. That’s what she had. And so at this point she had decided she was just gonna keep smoking,”
“So why did she keep coming to meetings if she wasn’t going to quit?” I asked.
“She kept coming for two reasons. One: she wanted to serve as a warning to everyone what would happen if they didn’t quit. Two: god wanted me to meet her.Fate wanted me to meet this chick, I’m telling you man, fate.” Another swig of gin and sprite followed by a deep drag on his cigarette.
“But so anyway, after my first meeting there, where I introduced myself and whatnot, at that point, it had been like 6 months since I’d had sex with someone. I was just getting over a bad break up and I was going out of my mind with horniness. And so during that first break, I walked over to her at the little coffee and donuts table and introduced myself again, more formally you know? And we hit it off. She liked a lot of the same stuff I liked. Books, movies, music. She was a democrat. I’m a democrat. You know, we clicked. And during the course of our conversation I noticed that no one else really wanted anything to do with her, especially the other guys in the room. And then I realized what it was the first time she coughed.” Another swig and smoke exhalation.
“When she coughed, which was a lot mind you, because of the chronic bronchitis, she coughed very loudly and deeply, I mean her whole body clutched inwards and she coughed until she spit up this really gross phlegm into a handkerchief. When she did that the first time in front of me, she got this embarrassed look on her face, and apologized. Right then man? I almost, I mean I was this close,” He holds his thumb and index finger centimeters apart, ” from just finding a way to get out of there. But my dick talked me out of it. He was like, ‘Fuck that man. We need some pussy! This chick’s got like no self esteem and she’s not even ugly. Just go for it,’ you know?”
I have a feeling where this is going and I’m “this close from finding a way to get out of here.” What a pig. What a disgusting pig.
“So I get her back to her place and we fuck. And it’s just like I told you man. the most incredible experience I’ve ever had in my life. And she had a good time as well. She hadn’t had a man for at least as long as I’d been without a woman. Maybe longer. I don’t know. But the point I’m trying to make is that we really hit it off that night. Physically, emotionally, all of that man, all of it. We ended up dating for like a year and got married and everything man. It was the most amazing two years of my life, and I don’t regret a second of it…” He trails off. He swirls his glass around in his hand, the ice melting and diluting what’s left of his drink. His cigarette has burned down almost to the filter, he rubs it out in the ash tray. He stares into the rows of hard liquor behind the bar.
“She got diagnosed with lung cancer a year later and she died. She had already made up her mind to keep smoking, and I figured I would too. We both enjoyed it and it was what brought us together you know? So we just did it,” His gaze is still penetrating the bottles behind the bar. He snaps out of it, and shakes his head before looking at me again.
“Anyway, the point I’m trying to make is that the greatest experiences I’ve had in my life were because of three things. There were because of smoking, coughing, and fucking. That’s it. That’s my point.”
I don’t really know what to say after hearing a story like that, so I don’t really say anything at all. I mean, I say something, I say, “So, where’s the bathroom?” and he points off behind me to the left, where a guy riding a bull is on the door, directly across from another door with a girl lassoing a horse.
“Thank you,” I say.
“No problem,” he says while lighting up another cigarette.
I slide of my barstool and go to take a piss. I finish and quietly exit the bar without drawing too much attention to myself, waiting on the curb for a few minutes while my buddies inside wonder where I went. Eventually one of them leans out the door and sees me.
“The fuck you doing out here man?”
“We gotta leave,” I say apologetically.
“Why?” he asks. I can’t see him rolling his eye but I just know he is.
“Fucking guy in there,” I say, hitching my thumb over my shoulder towards the bar, “Creeps me the fuck out.”
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