It’s almost like this Wicca shit doesn’t even work.
It’s almost like this Wicca shit doesn’t even work. I’ve spent so much money on goddamned candles and incense and all other kind of whatnot. The worst was the dagger and silver plates, not cheap. Not to mention the cuts and other injuries sustained from sacrificing cats and shit. I just don’t undertand, I got all the instructions from one of those girls who dyes her hair black and listens to metal. I mean, she would know right?
I hope so, because this is the third time I’ve been to her and she keeps giving me more and more things to do. Now, apparently, I need to stand north of the pentagram and the candles and turn around three times counter-clockwise and then dump the chicken blood on my head. She only tells me what I’m doing wrong afterwards. She’s not that great with directions. Sometimes I wonder if she’s leading me wrong on purpose. I Don’t know why she would do that though. I apologized for calling her a witchy cunt at the prom in front of everyone.
So anyway, here we go. Candles: lit. Pentagram: drawn. Chicken: ungh, ungh, decapitated. Standing: North. Turn: three times to the left.
Okay, all done. Now I need to find my EPT to see if the damn ceremony worked this time. Getting unpregnant should not be this hard.
damn man, this one really made me laugh when i got to the final couple of sentences. you sir have a twisted imagination. keep up the good work.
thanks for the readership.
Everyone with any kind of basic intelligence knows that Wiccans don’t sacrifice animals. So either you’re a dumbass for making fun of them for doing so, or you’re a dumbass for thinking they do in the first place.
Why are you making fun of people for having faith? Does it harm you? Are Wiccans coming up to you and bugging you about it? Is it somehow more prevalent in your town that Christianity?
“It’s almost like this Christianity shit doesn’t even work. I’ve spent so much money on goddamned bibles and church donations and all other kind of whatnot. The worst was the deluxe study bible and silver cross, not cheap. Not to mention the knee bruises and other injuries sustained from praying and shit. I just don’t undertand, I got all the instructions from one of those preachers who wears robes and goes on mission trips. I mean, he would know right?”
It’s worthwhile to make fun of ANY faith. Yes, all faith hurts us, all of us. It is the cause of prejudice and war. People spend money on nothing. It causes anxiety in the young. It’s a delusion on a MASSIVE scale. Yes, even though “everyone” does it, it’s still wrong. Your a terrible person for having faith in that which is untrue.
Congratulations.
Jay: Both Wicca and Christianity (the supernatural aspects) really aren’t scientific. They’re fucking supernatural! So yeah, he could have made fun of Christians, but this is funnier.
This probably would have been funnier to those of us ex-quasi-pagans if you’d listened to Joy, who points out that Wiccans aren’t into sacrificing stuff.
And believe me, there’s a lot with Wicca which is absolutely ripe with what we call “teh funny.” But there ain’t no dead chickens.
the idea was that the pregnant girl was so ignorant of wiccan practices that she would go through all of it and never realize that she was being mocked by the person she was asking for help, and wasn’t even performing anything close to wiccan magick. In my story the pregnant girl is the dumb one.
The important thing appears to be ignoring the people who have no sense of humor…
Um, you do realize that’s a fertility ritual you’re performing, right? You’re never going to get UN-pregnant like that!
I gotta agree with Sammy. This would be even funnier if it left out the chickens and simply included all the hokey-pocus that’s already in Wicca. Begs to be rewritten by a former (or current, with a great sense of humor) Pagan.
I think it’s funnier with the chicken. That shows that the goth chick really is leading on the narrator.
[...] humourous post It’s almost like this Wicca shit doesn’t even work really made me [...]
http://www.leisuretown.com/articles/wicca.html
Well written! Santeria would be more correct, but Wicca is more widely known and conjures a funnier mental image. Nice.
Red said this on January 3rd, 2007 at 7:32 pm…
– Of course, Red isn’t prejudiced at all. He just thinks religious people (i.e., those who don’t have enough faith to believe that everything that exists is merely a result of impersonal matter plus time plus chance) are terrible.
Textbook definition of prejudice if I ever came across one.
[...] this fake confessional via Reddit. What’s even funnier are the “That’s not funny” or [...]
In the words of the wise Homer Simpson: God bless those pagans!
Perhaps when she ‘died’ her hair her magic powers went?
Dyed hair would have let her keep them?
It doesn’t sound to me like the author is making fun of Wicca here. You guys need to read it again.
lizap: good catch. fixed.
Why all the frowning upon playing with an animals blood? besides, how else are you supposed to gain their powers and abilities?
the way to get unpregnant is by sucking my dick
and swallowing a load of steamy hot semen
Good story. I like
Funny story with a wicked twist.
some pretty intense shit here man, good stuff
Joy, you are a humorless twit. Get a grip. The shit is funny! Laugh it up!
This is a great mini/microstory, you have mad writing skills
i know, it doesn’t work for me either, but i try harder. i keep a daily log on my blog
pretty boring satire, be more creative next time. Wiccans are fucktards, that’s not news and you use generic but accurate stereotypes. Yep, pretty fucking boring.
its not working because all of that she is telling you is bullshit. wicca is not my my thing. i read about it. didnt really follow but i understood the basics, and since its the oldest know religion i think it might have its truth in it. but what that women is telling you is wacked new age shit that is a mere parlor trick among these crazy ass people who think blood and death is what fuels their beliefe when its far from that. tell her to fuck off.
Nothing on this blog actually happened. It’s all just extremely short stories. read the about page.
Henslow -
I wouldn’t call it predjuce so much as “aggressively opinionated” (lol)… I just get frustrated when I am bombarded with religion, and people tip toeing through the tulips to avoid hurting peoples feelings about it, or pissing people off. The big problem are the people who take it to seriously; they know the words but they don’t know the music…
There is a fatal flaw in your perception if you can’t take a harsh critisizm. This is especially true of Christians and Muslums. So Muhammad was in a few Dutch cartoons, big deal. This comes down to a “if you can’t laugh at yourself, who can” sort of deal.
Gods are made in the image of man. Don’t get too wrapped up in it all or you become blinded by your own stupidity and lose perspective because of religious pride (something you’ll goto hell for, ask your local padre) and ego.
I am whole heartedly against religion because it is simply first and foremost a social organizer, as it where. There is us, and then there are them. It is a means of control, and in the Christian world, this is done through fear. “If you don’t follow God, you will burn in hell for ever and ever.” Religion does not teach morals, if you need to be TAUGHT killing people is bad, there is something wrong with you. I’m not against religion as a social ritual, but philosophies are adept at that, and they don’t segregate (in fact, take Taoism and Confusionism, they play Beautifly off one another).
Ever read about the Salem Witch Trials? The girls faked the whole thing because of the fear of negative religious and social reprocussions. And then the towns people used it to their advantages to slaughter one another.
(not directed at Henslow or anyone in particluar)
Can you beleive that Grand Cannyon tour guides can’t talk about the age of it because it upsets a bunch of fundimentalists? Give me a fucking break. Fuck your supposed “rights” for your views to be respected, what about my views of science? You forcing the exemption of that fact is disrespectful of my science. Bla! Bla bla, bla bla bla…
The whole damn thing is stupid (religion, that is. And any and all of its tight wad followers). Wow, I did NOT mean to go this far… If you get anything out of the above, more power to you, but its all just a bunch of idea fragments, so feel free to ignore it. I could write a book…
i know it just bothered me
rligion in itself is fucked up. all it does is lead to biullshit bitching. science is much more satisfying when it comes to origins and facts of life. religion is only there for those who are in need of hope. i have hope. i would rather listen to truth from a science book than any religious book in existance
so not even funny. yet you all argue - now that *IS* funny. Ahhh, my wicca spell must be working….
You people need to lighten up. Trust me, it was funny.
And to the two other commenters that got it, you are funny, too.
The rest of you are funny, but not in a good way.
This was REALLY funny.
See, some Pagans DO have a sense of humor! I was upon a time, a co-owner of a Pagan-oriented store and one of the primary liturgists and teachers in a rather large Wiccan group. And the person who sent this link to me is very well-versed in Paganism, as well. And before anyone else starts carping about how it would have been funnier if it was more accurate, the innaccuracy is one of the things that makes it so side-splitting! The idea of the girl so completely ignorant of Wicca and so utterly stupid as to keep going back to this person who is obviously getting revenge and laughing at her, feeding her every Hollywood stereotype of witchcraft and magic and throwing everything she can think of into the pot, ranging from Santeria to Voodoun to Ceremonial Magic, and the other girl is swallowing it hook, line, and sinker. Even with little niggling doubts begining, she still goes through the ridiculous rituals to the letter. I’m sure that if this story continued, the next time she went back (and she would…
the ritual would involve yet more money, yet more difficult and dangerous manuevers, and yet more revolting contact with various effluvia, and would probably amp up to include public humiliation. Unless the goth girl has a hidden mini-Webcam set up in the ritual location, in which case the public humiliation is already be well underway, if as yet undiscovered.
Before anyone jumps all over me about “Harm None”, no, it wouldn’t be funny if it was ACTUALLY happening, it is the twist at the end, and the idea that anyone would fall for it that is what is funny.
Thanks!
Oh sH*T. So CAN I laugh? (Because this really was funny!) And my cheeks are starting to hurt from smiling really hard. In an attempt to extinguish the debate, if you hold onto the EPT stick for about 9 months, the pretty, pink double lines disappear and presto! you’re not pregnant anymore. No chants, not animal endangerment and no religion (too). I promise.
Really crazy stuff in here.
Who, gives a damn, about the fucking, chickens. Is funny god damm!
funny.
Hahahaha!
[...] by Nutty Mummy on January 4th, 2007 It’s almost like this Wicca shit doesn’t even work. « The Things We Think but Do Not Say. [...]
[...] Posted by Nutty Mummy on January 4th, 2007 It’s almost like this Wicca shit doesn’t even work. « The Things We Think but Do Not Say. [...]
“Witchy cunt”, isn’t that a song by the Eagles?
Almost as funny as the author is the guy that said “if you want to get unpregnant you can suck my…! I bet Joy liked that one too. (how come women named “joy” usually have no sense of humor. The Homer Simpson quote was also great
No no no! She should be pouring the menstrual blood of the High Priestess of the Goth chick on her head. That would be perfectly Wiccan. Do it up Carrie style. That’s the blood of an animal I beleive. Ahenm.
You don’t need a chicken…. just a couple of herbs in good strong doses(course that might be a bit painful)… or go to your ob/gyn which would be less painful
Ignore the fools, tylerlizenby. Funny stuff, and self-explanatory.
Wicca is not for the stupid, honey. Get a clue to birth control.
Hmph, why can’t we make fun of Christians and Wiccans?
I think it is really funny how poster #3 (Jay or Joy) is completly lost… almost funnier than the story itself.
re “I got all the instructions from one of those girls who dyes her hair black and listens to metal.”
Q) How do you get a Goth chick out of your tree?
A) Cut the rope…
Great story. Sad to see that some people’s reading skills are apparently challenged (Jay, you completely missed the point). I guess Wiccans can be as dumb as everyone else.
Moderately funny at least. Interestingly, if you want to see some real twisted biblical animal sacrifice rituals, check out Leviticus — that shit is *twisted*! Those Hebrews were really, really into killing animals for god, and doing weird shit with the blood.
red and miketattrie1990
I’m praying for you…..
[...] It’s almost like this Wicca shit doesn’t even work. blog: The Things We Think but Do Not [...]
This blog entry has been reviewed by http://www.totallychoice.com
I wonder how you scored?
Came over from tcoverride.blogspot and proceeded to enjoy the hilarity of not only the joke but the commentary of those who (a) don’t get the joke, (b) want to edit the joke, (c) extrapolate profound meanings of life from the joke, (d) want a different religion to be joked about, and (e) even those who also get the joke. It’s a joke. Look, wanton destruction of any sentient creature for the sake of one’s own vaunted sense of devotion, gotten away with only because the sentient creature is not a human, is just flat out wastefully cruel. But the joke, it’s funny. More please.
LOL…that was hilarious! Great writing. I’d share it with a Wiccan friend, but I don’t need a flaming pentagram on MY lawn.
http://www.harddrivelife.com
hilarious.
but the discussion afterwards is even more hilarious.
for some reason i think this is an american blog.
so,
greetings from europe.
i’m in the mood for some tasty chicken now by the way.
even if it is pregnant. just an extra baked egg inside of it.
this is funny, funny, funny! the story itself is perfect. the people that ‘didnt get it’ should re-read the story; but this time they should consider the title “revenge of the witchy cunt”… maybe they will clue in now. but i doubt it.
nice job.
mjl
Comments are for fags.
I believe in Wicca, but getting offended about a FICTIONAL story, is just stupid! This was really funny, I loved it, but the controversial debate afterwards is even better! Keep up the good work, and Joy? Don’t take it so personally, it’s good stuff!
Being a pagan myself, I actually assumed the goth chick was just a goth chick (Since many goths have , gasp, no paricular religion at all) getting revenge and *telling* preppy jockette that she was a witch and then making shit up.
You might want to switch to Catholicism. Tell them it’s not a fetus, it’s a demon. I think they have some ritual for that.
That story was hilarious. Big chuckles over here! And I cannot believe the seriousness of some of these responses….oh dear, made me giggle some more.
[...] Wed 10 Jan 2007 This cracked me up… Posted by Dex under Commentary It’s almost like this Wicca sh*t doesn’t even work. [...]
People honestly need to pull their heads out of their asses and find their inner funny. Woe to the world thats become a bunch of uptight anal retentive idiots.
As I mop up after my angst-fest… I’d like to say this is utterly humorous if girl was that idiotic.
Here’s something interesting, I ran this through the good and evil detector. And it shows good…
http://www.gekkopress.blogspot.com/
came specially to tell you about this site cos I thought you might giggle at this post. If you do giggle
Every wiccan w/half a brain knows u don’t sacrifice animals thats against the wiccan rede. Get the books the idiots guide to wicca and wicca: a giude to the solitary practioner and read it
Ok, this SICKENS me. Do you practice wicca? I highly doubt it if you’re making FUN of the faith. If you do not practice it, you cannot make fun of it, or say it’s satanism etc. And what was that crap about the girl with the dyed black hair? Just because someone is gothic doesn’t mean they’re wiccan and vice versa. You took our faith and mocked it, no real wiccan would do that to another faith, just as no REAL christian would do that to antoher wiccan. If this makes you laugh, you shouldn’t be. This is a serious matter, first it’s a couple of jokes then pagan supply shops are being burned down. We do not sacrifice animals or people or anything. Jokes like this lead to the misconceptions that we DO.
I was wondering do you know of any levitation spells? I have been working really hard, and have been spending alot of money too. I bought this sword for like Three Hundred dollars and the friggin metal is already tarnishing on it. The dude at the shop.. well the same dude who is helping me with my levitation spells said thats becuse I have to cover it in urine and leave it under a pile of cow dung for three nights while reciting an Enochian passage durring the sunrise and sunset. The Enochian passage is taken from the anagram AZUR wich transcribes to
Ah-eh-Ur-Reh. I found it to equil to the number 714 after taking certain astrological considarations connectin my birth number to its vibrational feild.
PS. My roomate told me to make sure there is alot of room under my feet when I try to levitate becuse it will give my auric field more time to build momenum against gravity as I chant. I think he is right. I am going to try the roof of my house first
HEY YOU!!!! my wife is wiccan and she is utterly offended and i think she would give u a pice of her mind if she had half the chance,, but that shit is funny i don’t care who u are…
Look, all I ask is that you take a listen. Stop for a minute and look beyond. you seem to stop at what you can see. So tell me. If you walk into a dark room at midnight do you feel uneasy. Im not asking you to confess you believe in a higher power, but do you feel a unaturalness. I have been in several so called “haunted houses.” And still I have not found a difference. However When I place myself in a highly spiritual speritual situation, I find a significant expericance. If one was tp truley call upon the spirit of Aradia(or any other higher power) you would see the truth. controvert it all you like the truth remains. I have seen what I have seen. You can deny all you want, but i know what I saw. Spirit means nothing to a blind man, and everything to a man who can see. What can the “Man” see? I am not willing nor can I tell you. However, What I know fills me with a joy that cannot be replaced. The denial of others is only an amusment to me. i can only hope you are able to see more than that. For Aradia looks kindly on those who see beyond the exterior.
To all who may look upon upon: Pheonix
I agree with your wife on many aspects. So many people are so foolish and live such foolish lives. i can only hope that your wife lives on the same plane that i do. Please if you both have the desire contact me and maybe we can find a common ground. Pheonix worshiper of Aradia
do u fucking fink u live in the bc because its a load of crap u wiccity witchy dodah harry potter could be more real than ur shit
lol at u
hmm all just words on paper.!…and people should laugh at their self more. man
and laugh cause we are all so freaken funny
iunderstand it was a joke and when i caught up with that i laughed however these are common steryotypes that hurt religions like wicca if you would like to learn more about wicca please go to http://www.beliefnet.com/bnetsearcher/searchsite.aspx?q=wikipedia
but as for the story i find it quite funny and please folowers of the Lady and the Lord do not take this in offense its just a joke and nothing more
if you really want to learn wicca,message me @ :candipup47@yahoo.com. (this gos for anyone.)
I can’t believe you idiots are still leaving comments on this hunk of shit.
(my 15 minutes of internet fame though it may be)
hahahhaha, wow, i find this highly amusing. I love laughing at things like this. Im Wiccan so i laugh at tereotypes like that. me the eccentric otgoing used to be a cheerleader but figured out there was more to life wiccan. anywho…yeah i especially liked the black haired metal bit…heh. *chorttle* gotta love the dabblers! oh and to the one who wants to learn wicca…go get a book. i suggest elements of witchcraft. its quite splendid.
I’ve been a spirtualist for many years. You don’t need candles to cast a spell. They are meant to help you visualize your prayers to the goddess, that’s all. Spells are nothing more than prayers. And if you are sacrificing cats (which I think you are joking or just stupid… because Wiccans would not harm an animal intentionally) then it is no wonder your spells aren’t working… that’s karmic law. Wiccans make no sacrifices to themselves or any other living or dead creature. May the goddess bless you. That’s right, I said bless you. A true wiccans wishes no ill or harm upon anyone, not even those who are ill informed. We just want to live in peace with the rest of society. We aren’t perfect, but we aren’t here to hate those who lie about us. To dispel the rumours and stereotypes, yes, hate those who tell them, no. Or at least we shouldn’t. I have known some vengeful Wiccans, and I am consistenly reminding them that we are not to harm. But how far do you go, you know? We’re only human, just like everyone else.
Who ever you are that says “this wicca shit doesn’t even work”. YOU need to read. It specifically states in the Wicca religion that NO harm shall be done. Stop cutting cats , and killing chickens, I myself am not wiccan, but it sounds as though the girl you are going to isn’t either. Do your own research for a change and don’t call women cunts.
Good lord! Children, everyone who’s commenting, read the following very carefully, because I’m about to let you in on a little secret:
This. Entry. Is. A. Joke.
I mean, it’s a crazy thought, but have you considered the fact that if someone DID really sacrifice cats and cover themselves in chicken blood, they wouldn’t make it public to the world? I imagine it’s not the sort of thing that you’d go around telling people:
“Hey Jake, I totally sacrificed your cat yesterday!”
“No way! Because I sacrificed your goldfish!”
“Ha! Who would’ve thought?”
It seems to me that you people need to invest in a little something that I like to call a “sense of humour”.
The end.
after reading the short story and then all the comments that followed, i knew i had to comment. i am wiccan, and i thought it was hilarious. i understood it for what it was…a joke, a comical (although dark and sarcastic) short story, nothing more. anyone who practices wicca knows that we do not sacrafice anything. and from my own personal experience, most people that don’t practice wicca have at least heard of it, or knows someone who is a witch, and therefore knows that also. it was a funny, funny story and i in no way took offense to it. keep it up!!
WHAT A BIG BAG OF CRAP.WICCA,FRAIES,PAGANS,TARROT CARDS,MAGIK,SHAMEN,ETC.ETC.WELL IT’S YOUR LIVES.JUST STAY AWAY FROM MY GERMAN SHEPPARD,CHICKENS,BLACK SABBATH ALBUMS,VIRGINS,ETC.HAVE FUN IN HELL.THIS IS REV.RAPH MCCOVEY OF TABANACLE BAPTISH CHURCH .WHAT A WAY TO LIVE.GOD LOVES YOU REPENT
Those who take the “Dawkins” approach, of course, convenienty ignore that the damage done by atheists- particularly that noteworthy duo of Stalin and Mao -in the 20th Century has been, individually, on the order of 2000 timees worse than that achieved by the worst fanatics of the Inquisition. Indeed, the only force more humanly destructive than Mao was the Black Death. Dawkins sheep will immediately and feebly attempt to point out that those were the actions of misguided fanatics, irresponsible fascists and fundamentalists. But while this is arguably so, what is it that tbey are decrying and using to broad brush others?
Just to respond to Trystn, I’m not so sure if you’re looking at he right place for the story of the deadliest causes of humanity. If we look more over time than in a short period, Mao, and even the Bubonic Plague, haven’t been quite as mercilessly killing as the United-States, inside their borders and out. Just look at the number of gun related deaths in the U.S., which is close to 12 thousand per year, and since the statistique seems to have been taken as an average of over quite few years, and whithout counting the number of people that U.S. troops kill in their “peace-bringing” operations, you can easily see that THAT is the bigger cause of death, if looked at over a few years. Yes, Mao, Hitler, The Bubonic Plague, Mussolini, and most of the other world’s major killing crisises have brought a lot of death, but probably not quite as close as the blood soaked lands of “America” have seen.
Great story. (And I do know about Wicca.) Fitting a good, funny story into this few words takes work. My own typically run about 1400 words.
Wow. You have to either be the most idiotic person that I have ever even heard of, or have the strangest, and most demented imagination that I have ever heard of, and either way, you have far to much free time. Hardly anything that you spoke of has anything at all to do with Wicca in the first place, and I really hope that the person who was telling you what to do was fucking with you, because if they weren’t, then they are just as stupid. Anyway, maybe before you disgrace yourself anymore, and make yourself feel any less intelligent than you already should, and apparently are, why don’t you actually study up on Wicca a little bit before you try to practice it further, but in the mean time, enjoy the chicken blood dumb-ass. Oh, and if you were serious about being pregnant, please, just get an abortion, it will be much easier for you, and will prevent you from reproducing, so everybody wins, and, just to be safe, in the future, keep your legs closed, please.
The joke was funny. What’s better is the people taking it seriously. Especially the Wiccans going *”gasp! Shock! We dont sacrifice chickens! How dare you sacrifice chickens?”* My dears, the author KNOWS Wiccans dont sacrifice chickens. The author also KNOWS that tools and rituals dont make a witch. The main character in the story (which, this may suprise you, is fictional) is an idiot cheerleader-type girl who called a gothic girl a ‘witch cunt’. It’s doubtful the gothic girl in the story is a witch at all… She’s just playing on the cheerleader’s superstitions, stereotyping and prejudices to get her revenge. Good gods, I cant believe there’s people out there who are too thick to get this. How do you self proclaimed Wiccans expect to follow the ‘craft of the wise’ if you’re not even perceptive enough to tell when someone’s joking and when they’re being serious? Fluffy bunnies.. Oi. You need to visit wicca.timerift.net
wiccans dont kill things infact thier main belief is ‘an ye harm none,do what ye will besides thats not funny at all and wicans arnt all goth and things like that and they dont eed to spend $ they make their own things
The way I see it any God/dess without a sense of humor is not the one for me. I think you’ve discovered the “real” reason we pagans don’t sacrifice cats….cat scratch fever hurts like hell! I just wish I had enough hair to make dyeing it black possible…it’s hell being an old bald headed pagan. I mean when was the last time you saw a 50+ year old goth and didn’t break into hysterical laughter! Blest Be!
Isn’t Wicca that religion with all the fags and dykes? What’s up with that? And oh yeah, why do Christian preachers keep molesting children? Isn’t it not as illegal to just get a midget hooker?
Let us pray; Lord Jesus Christ, please save our nation from the multitude of fags, niggers, and freaks, jews, mexicans, and puerto ricans, dominicans, and republicans. Amen.