We’ve got a doozy tonight.

We’ve got a doozy tonight. You see normally when we do these paternity tests, there’s just one guy. Sometimes there’s two. In those instances we make a big deal out of it. First Guy: You are NOT the father. Second Guy: You ARE the father. Sometimes it’s  - Both Guys: You are NOT the father. Those times are a special treat because we don’t get to do them very often and the audience eats it up when we do.

Well today, there’s gonna be three “You are nots.” We have the producer to thank for spotting the idea.

He said “Why don’t we start DNA testing the mothers as well, you know just as a goof?” He’s the one we can count on to up the ante.

So here’s how it’s gonna go down. We’ve two guys. One wants to be the father, the other doesn’t. The one that doesn’t want to be the dad, doesn’t want it because he’s best friends with the guy that does. You following me so far? Okay, good. Here’s what we’re gonna do. Guy who doesn’t want it: You are NOT the father. He’ll get up and do a dance or hug someone or whatever. Then he’ll sit down and breathe a big sigh of relief. Then comes the standard twist. Guy who wants it: YOU are NOT the father. He’ll jump out of his chair and cry and make a scene. He’ll hug the mother and cry and the friend will hug both of them, try to comfort them. Then I’m gonna interrupt it with this new twist. I’ll get everyone’s attention and just go straight into it. Not giving them any time to react

Mother: You are NOT the Mother.

They’ll all jump out of their chairs and scream and gasp. The audience is gonna be dumbfounded. The best part is I don’t have to make it up. This is real. This is true. We have no fucking idea who even one of this kid’s parents are.

~ by thethingswethink on November 12, 2006.