I live under a fucking bridge, for christ’s sake.

I live under a fucking bridge, for christs’s sake. That’s why. That’s the reason. That’s why I fling my shit at passing cars and beat off in full view of all the world. What the fuck else am I gonna do? One time there was a traffic jam and it was like christmas. There was this big station wagon with a luggage rack on the top. They call those cars “woody” because of the wood paneling on the sides. Well I whipped up a big ass hardon and ran up to the passengers window. The look of terror on the wifes face while she scrambled to hit door lock was awesome. So I ran up to the window and started putting my dick all over the door. I kept screaming at them, “HEY! HEY! LOOK! MY WOODY,” (I pointed at my dick when I said this), “MY WOODY IS ON YOUR WOODY! GET IT? MY WOODY,” (again, pointing at my dick) “IS ON YOUR WOODY! GET IT?” They didn’t answer and the husband in the drivers seat tried to pretend that it wasn’t happening.

I clearly needed to up the ante. So I climbed on the hood and spread my ass cheeks right in front of him so that my asshole was right in his face, right up against the windshield. Then I started shitting. It took a few seconds for me to squeeze it all out. Then I turned around smeared it all over the windshield, just all over the place. I got off the hood and went over to the driver’s side window and yelled at the guy. “HEY MAN! MY SHIT IS ALL OVER YOUR WINDSHIELD! GET IT?” He didn’t look at me. He obviously didn’t get it.

So then I climbed on the roof and knocked over the luggage rack, spilling their crap all over the road. I jumped down and scattered it all around until I came up with a “I spent the weekend in vegas and all I got was this lousy t-shirt” shirt. Perfect. I wiped all the shit off of my hands with it and then put it on. I went back to the driver’s side window and yelled at the guy again. “HEY MAN! I SPENT THE WEEKEND UNDER A FUCKING BRIDGE AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS SHITTY T-SHIRT!” (pointing at the shirt, obviously) “GET IT? GET IT?” He again just looked straight ahead and tried to pretend it wasn’t happening. I gave up and walked back to my little spot. He tried to hit his windshield sprayers and wipe all the crap off the windshield but it was too thick. The wipers got stuck about halfway up.

The police finally came and got me about 15 minutes later. The kid in the backseat never looked up from his gameboy.

~ by thethingswethink on November 6, 2006.